


Our misfit ways

by Solovei



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Anxiety, Asexual Tanaka Ryuunosuke, Domestic Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, LGBTQ Themes, Like it's not described but you know they're doing it., M/M, OT3, Personal Growth, Polyamory, Queerplatonic Relationships, Rare Pairings, Relationship Discussions, Some of them anyway, Suga continues to be a team mom years after everyone graduates, Tea, Team Mom Sugawara Koushi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-03-03 01:53:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13330986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Solovei/pseuds/Solovei
Summary: In which Asahi realizes he might've been wrong about some things.





	Our misfit ways

**Author's Note:**

  * For [chromyrose](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chromyrose/gifts).



> About a year ago I got the very ambitious idea to write some treat fics for the Chocolate Box exchange. I made a spreadsheet, got some WIPs started, and then, well... THINGS, and basically I only posted finished two fics all year. So, giftee: You don't know me but I saw your prompt in the list and I really liked it so here you are, an extremely belated gift from a random stranger! 
> 
> Super-duper huge thank-you to [justira](http://archiveofourown.org/users/justira/profile) for editing and advice!

Growing up, Asahi couldn’t help but concern himself with matters of love - it seemed to always be there, just in his peripheral vision. He watched as his classmates received neatly wrapped boxes on White Day, as his mother reached for the tissues while she watched her TV dramas, as his brothers talked about going out with this or that girl. 

He watched patiently, as if waiting his turn, for when _love_ would finally happen to him. Everything he saw and read seemed to carry the same message - when you meet that special person, you’ll just know, and that was it. He spent a lot of time thinking about how things would be once that happened. He spent nights laying awake and picturing his life with this other person, how much _better_ it would be.

But when he met Nishinoya Yuu, Asahi realized that he had been missing one crucial thing. 

Love had to go both ways. 

And while he was 100% sure that Noya was the one for him, Asahi could not be so certain that the other boy would feel the same way. It ate at him, that uncertainty; it made his foundations crumble. He spent so long waiting for some sign that before he knew it, high school was behind him and he was facing something altogether more sinister. 

\--------

Reaching for the large box of napkins in the storage closet, Asahi maneuvers his other hand around his apron and into the pocket of his pants. Finally, he pulls out his phone and unlocks the screen. He isn't really supposed to use it while he’s working, but nobody can see him here, and he couldn’t resist the temptation. It takes the edge off, just a tiny bit, to be able to see all the texts he’s missed since that morning. One notification in particular catches his eye:

‘3 New Messages - Suga’

Suga is sometimes more parental than Asahi’s actual mother, and opening texts from him is always a gamble - he could be asking him to hang out, or telling him to eat better and get more sleep; the odds are pretty even. 

Still, if he doesn’t open it now, he’ll have to wonder what it was for the entire rest of his shift, and he doesn’t want that either. 

Box of napkins in hand, Asahi selects the message icon on his phone. 

>Hey, I’ve been hearing some worrying stuff from Chikara and Kiyoko

>what’s going on with you lately? We need to talk!! 

>Meet me for lunch tomorrow?’

He nearly drops the phone into the mop bucket. 

\--------

“Are you cheating on Noya?” Suga asks two days later, not five seconds after they both sit down at a diner booth. 

“What? No?” The question seems to have upended something in his head.

“You don’t sound very sure.”

“I mean, no, I’m not. Why would you even ask that? What happened to ‘Hello Asahi, how are you, how is life?’ “

Suga sits back and crosses his arms, “I just… heard some things recently that had me worried.”

Asahi looks around to see if there is a waitress coming their way so he could get out of this conversation. There is not. He is trapped.

“What… kind of things, Suga?”

“Well, you know how Kiyoko is friends with Tanaka’s sister?”

“Yeah….” 

“Apparently Tanaka’s been staying at your place lately. A lot.”

“Uh, well… sure, sometimes?”

“They’re best friends, Asahi. I really didn’t expect this from you.”

“It’s not what you think!” Asahi says, perhaps a little too loudly, just as a young woman arrives to take their order. 

_“What is it, then?”_

\--------

It was the morning after his first date with Noya (the usual: movie, dinner, “would you like to come up for coffee”, breakfast), and Asahi was in heaven. He had nearly burned his hand on the stove 15 minutes ago and he was still grinning like an idiot. This was it. He had made it. This was _love_. 

From now on, everything would be amazing and great all the time, he was sure of it. This would mark the end of this lengthy dark patch he had suffered after graduating high school. Sure, he was still barely paying his rent working in a coffee shop after he dropped out of college, but for the past 10 hours he had hardly thought about any of that because now-- now he had Noya. 

Noya, who was now sitting across from him at the kotatsu, digging into the tamagoyaki he made, seemed almost unreal. Asahi looked at the mussed hair, the lazily thrown-on t-shirt -- _his_ t-shirt -- and wondered if he was still asleep. If he had just had a very vivid dream, and soon he was going to wake up and go back to his trainwreck of a life, to his anxiety disorder, to his parents’ disappointment. This moment was every single one of his embarrassing high school fantasies rolled up into one-- or almost all of them, anyway. He was pretty sure that the one where he and Noya would move to the country and start a little inn together and adopt four dogs could be postponed a few months. 

“Asahi?” Noya called out, softly.

“Mm?” 

He nodded towards Asahi’s plate, “Your food is gonna get cold.”

“Oh, right, sorry.” Asahi picked up his chopsticks and placed a piece of omelette into his mouth. They ate for a few minutes in silence. He began to wonder what the protocol was now. What are you supposed to do after you bring a guy home? Somehow, the logical progression that he’d seen relationships take didn’t seem to fit in this situation. That scared him, but he tried his best not to let it show on his face.

When they finished, Noya let out a contented sigh and looked at Asahi. He seemed serious, but also nervous somehow. 

“So… there's something we gotta talk about. If this…” Noya bit his lip thoughtfully, as if trying to find the right words. Asahi had almost never seen him hesitate; this was their Guardian Deity, after all. “If we are going to…” he continued, rubbing the back of his neck.

Asahi nodded vigorously. “Right, of course, anything.”

“I think... We both know how we feel about each other by now. But you also know that Ryuu and I are... very close”

“Ah, you don’t want to tell him yet?”

“No, it’s... not quite that. What I’m trying to say is, I like you, I really like you a lot. But Ryuu needs me, and-- it’s more than that, even. We’re close, really close, and he’s really important to me. It’s not like we’re dating or-- or anything like that. I just don’t want this, you and me, to change things with me and Ryuu.”

Asahi searched for answers in Noya’s face, but found none. “Noya, I’m sorry, I still don’t understand. Are you worried I won’t let you see Tanaka-san anymore?”

“No, I know you’re not like that. This doesn’t mean I like you any less, I just want-- I need you to understand that I can have more than one really important relationship in my life, you know? I want to be with you -- I’d love to be with you -- but I want Ryuu and me to stay the way we are. Could we do that? All of us?”

Well.

Maybe the dogs would have to wait.

\--------

They had a few more very successful dates, and Asahi had just about forgotten their conversation that first morning. But, one night as Noya was falling asleep on top of him, he found himself unable to do the same, thoughts spiralling around in his head like moths at a lantern.

So far, whatever Tanaka and Noya’s arrangement was, it hadn’t changed anything dramatically, so maybe they could keep going like a -- he caught himself as he realized the next word in that sentence -- normal relationship. 

He sighed softly, feeling the warmth radiating from Noya’s wiry body. What did that mean, anyway? Surely if he asked his parents, it would mean getting married to a woman and having children, getting a house and a job. But he already screwed up trying to do that, so where did that leave him? He was happy with Noya, even if even if this didn't always resemble what he had grown up thinking relationships looked like. 

“Hey....” Noya’s hoarse whisper reached towards Asahi from out of the darkness. “Why’re you awake?” he asked, sitting up. 

“Can’t sleep, I guess… S-sorry, I can go lay on the sofa if--” Asahi offered, only to find Noya’s hand on his lips, cutting him off. 

“No, we… Something’s bothering you, I can tell. Let's figure it out, together. No more of this…” sleepily, he made a vague waving motion. “This whole thing.” 

Asahi sighed and sat up also, feeling Noya take his hand under the covers. “I guess… I was thinking about what you said that first morning, about Tanaka-san, and… how I fit into all of it…”

“Well…” Noya leaned over, hands on his shoulders, and kissed Asahi’s forehead. “You fit right here, ok? You’re my boyfriend.” 

“But what if Tanaka and I don’t… get along? I mean, even in high school we didn’t really…”

“Well. If you two really hate each other, then I guess I’ll just have to deal with it.”

Asahi could feel his stomach churning. “W-wait, what then? Would you break up with me?” 

Noya laughed quietly, drawing close. Softly, he claimed Asahi’s lips in a kiss, pushing him back down on the bed, and Asahi could feel a hand snaking its way down his chest. He closed his eyes. He knew what Noya was doing -- trying to distract him from his worries, give him something else to think about -- and it usually worked.

But he still wanted to know the answer.

\--------

If Asahi had been honest with himself, he would have realized that eventually, he had to confront the unknown element. Noya, being who he was, would never have let him keep on floating through life in denial. 

The mirror in Noya’s bathroom was smudged; what was that, hair product? Asahi peered into it as he brushed his teeth one morning a few days later, damp hair trailing down his shoulders, and tried to resist the urge to wipe it down with the hem of his shirt. That was when Noya called out, “Asahiiii! Are you almost ready?” Asahi was about to answer, but Noya continued with, “Ryuu just texted me, he’s almost here!” 

Asahi emitted a tiny scream as the blood drained from his face.

“T-Tanaka-san is coming over?” he asked, crestfallen, around his toothbrush.

“Well, I thought we could all hang out for a bit, you know? You two haven’t seen each other in a while, it might be fun. Ryuu’s really been looking forward to it.” 

Asahi sighed and spat out the toothpaste, wiping his mouth as he exited the small bathroom. “I wish... you’d told me ahead of time. So I could prepare.” 

“Prepare? Come on, it’s not like it’s some stranger!”

“Yeah, but… you two are... You know.”

Noya stood on tiptoe and pressed a kiss to Asahi’s jawline, looping his arms around his shoulders. “It’s fine! He’ll love you, I promise.”

“How do you know that?” Asahi muttered.

“Because I love you.” 

\--------

At some point it was decided that they all should go out to eat, since Noya’s fridge was empty except for a bottle of mayo and some old leeks. 

“Okay, I’m just gonna take a shower first! Play nice, you guys.” Noya declared loudly. He leaned over, kissed Asahi’s cheek, and rubbed Tanaka’s closely-cropped hair before bouncing off to the bathroom. 

Asahi didn’t know what to do with his hands. He kept stealing glances at Tanaka, who looked perfectly content trying to clear a level in Noya’s game. Actually, he didn’t look that different, all things considered. It seemed that his features had solidified somewhat, taken on a more grounded quality. He’d definitely put on some muscle too, Asahi thought, remembering that he himself hadn’t so much as gone for a jog in at least six months. 

“Asahi-san, something wrong? You look nervous.” Tanaka asked, pausing the game and finally looking back at him. 

“I, uh… I guess I’m just not sure how to act. I mean, uh… Noya told me about you… you, uh... “

“How close we are?”

“Yes.”

“And that worries you?”

“Well, no, but-- Tanaka-san, I’ve never... done this before, okay? I don’t know how it’s supposed to work, at all!”

“You can call me Ryuu, if that helps. We’re not in highschool anymore.”

Asahi swallowed the lump in his throat. “He… Noya said that you two weren’t dating, but…”

“Oh, yeah, no. We’re not.”

“Do you…. Do you _want_ to date him? Am I in your way?”

Tanaka laughed, but it didn’t sound mean. “N-no, Asahi, I don’t… um, I don’t want to date anyone, I think.”

Asahi felt his eyes widen somewhat. Given his lifelong obsession with love, this stance seemed impossible to him. “Um, but… Tana-- I mean, Ryuu, what about Kiyoko? You liked her a lot, right?”

Tanaka nodded slowly, fiddling with the drawstrings on his hoodie. “Ah, well… I guess… after high school I kind of stopped to think about things, you know. Think about what I wanted and who I was and… I realized I only liked Kiyoko-san because, like… I felt I had to? I could tell she was pretty, and I knew I was supposed to like pretty girls, but If she had actually asked me out I wouldn't know what to do with that.”

Asahi had never seen this side of Tanaka before, but something in him resonated with that feeling -- of doing everything you can to fit in because you know deep down that you don't, and it terrifies you. If he thought about it hard enough, he’d find it in himself, too. 

“S-so…. If it's not…. Kiyoko-san, is it…”

“I don't think it's anyone, actually. Chikara and I fooled around a few times but I think he was way more into it than I was.”

“Then you and Noya…. You don't, um--”

“Oh, no,” Tanaka held up his hands as if to stop him. “No, not at all. We cuddle sometimes, but that's it.”

“I… I see.” Asahi said, trying to imagine what that meant and failing.

“Yeah, if you ever need cuddles, I’m your guy,” he said with a self-assured smirk. 

There he was, the old Tanaka Asahi knew from high school. It didn’t seem that far-fetched to think that even people he thought he had gotten down to their essence would contain multitudes inside of them -- and yet, Asahi continued to be surprised. 

For a few moments, they were both silent. Asahi could hear Noya singing to himself faintly over the rushing water in the shower.

“I guess I just… never thought of this… being possible. Everyone always says you're only supposed to love one person. ”

Tanaka leaned back. “I think there's more than one kind of love. I mean… I love my parents and I love Noya and I love volleyball but just because they're all different things doesn't make any one of them less important.”

Asahi nodded; the example might not have been perfect, but he could understand Tanaka’s logic, even if it was new to him. Slowly, he could see the structures he had built inside himself shifting.

\--------

Something about their conversation would not leave him alone, however. At the time, it seemed fine, but he found himself coming back to Tanaka’s words again and again, thinking about what they meant, what they implied. On paper, he could agree to it, but he knew that things rarely worked out how he envisioned. 

Asahi stared at the cup of coffee in horror. This was the third order he’d gotten wrong today. The young woman across the counter looked impatient. 

“I--I’m so sorry. Please a-a-accept this coupon for a free coffee at one of our other locations!” he managed to stutter out before ducking into the back to try and regain control of his breathing.

Too late. They knew, now, how much of a failure he was. 

Asahi left the cafe with his hands shaking, gripping the strap of his bag too tightly as he made his way to the station. Around him, people scurried back and forth, but he felt _wrong_ somehow. Like when you cut class and suddenly get to see all the things that happen when you should be at school. Like he was trespassing on the lives of normal people. 

He couldn’t do this anymore, couldn’t keep smiling at customers even as his world was spinning out of control. The boss had sent him home early to ‘get his head in order’, and what was he supposed to do with that?

Without thinking, he boarded a train, but not the one to his apartment. Instead, he found himself in front of Noya’s door, knocking weakly, trying to push back tears.

“Just a sec--” Asahi heard a moment before the door opened to reveal Tanaka. 

Asahi felt himself blink as if he had just dozed off, realizing how strange it was for him to even come here. “I’m not-- It’s not-- Sorry, I’ll go home.” 

“Wait, Asahi-san, are you okay?” 

He didn’t know what to do with this. He wanted Noya to be here, to make him feel better, and he also knew it was weak, hated himself for feeling like this, but -- “Is… uh… is Yuu around?” he asked, trying very hard to act like he wasn't about to start bawling like a little kid.

Tanaka’s expression very quickly changed to one of deep concern. “He’s got study group, and then volleyball practice, but… do you want to come in anyway? If there’s anything I can do…” 

Asahi nodded slowly and stepped past him, letting his bag and coat drop to the floor. He didn’t go any further than the entryway. 

“I…. I just….” He muttered and slumped forward, leaned his face into Tanaka’s shoulder. His skin smelled like some kind of herbal body wash. 

“Hey…. hey, what’s the matter?” Tanaka asked, and his voice was _soft_ , like Noya’s voice got soft when he talked to him, and Asahi felt his body start to shake. 

“I’m such a _failure_ \-- I can’t, can’t do anything right, and--” 

He felt Tanaka put a hand around his waist, another on the back of his head, long fingers covering the curvature of his bones. “That’s not true, come on… you’re still our ace, you know?” 

“I couldn’t even keep up with a stupid city college, Ryuu…” Asahi managed to get out in between sobs.

“Well, you know. Stuff happens? You’re just figuring things out, it’s okay. Nobody ever gets it right on the first try.”

Asahi straightened up somewhat and sniffled, wiping at his wet face with the back of his hand. 

“I‘m sorry about all this…”

“It’s fine… come on, I’ll make some tea.”

Tanaka led him further inside; on the kitchen table there was a spread out newspaper and a small glass bottle; paint smears. Only now did Asahi notice that Tanaka’s fingernails were painted. He sat down awkwardly, careful not to jostle the items on the table. “Are you sure about this? I mean, Yuu’s not home, and… we’re…. You know…” Asahi doesn’t know what lies at the end of that sentence. _We’re not dating but you’re with my boyfriend in a different kind of way?_

He let out a breath that he felt he’d been holding for a long time.

“Do you even like me? Or do you just … tolerate me for him?” Asahi almost winced as he finished saying this, because he _knew_ , he knew how awful it was, but he couldn’t understand why he said it anyway. 

Tanaka placed a steaming cup in front of him and sat down in the other chair, saying nothing. Asahi felt his stomach churn. He’s done it now. He couldn’t even look at Tanaka now, only stare at his tea and the washed-out reflection of his own face in the liquid.

“I remember this one time when we were still first-years.”

Tanaka began speaking without warning, and it was unclear if his words were in answer to Asahi’s question or something else entirely. There was no anger in his voice, no sign of hurt; he sounded like he was reading the directions on a bottle of household cleaner.

Across the small table, Tanaka unscrewed the top of the nail polish bottle and started what Asahi could only assume was the second coat. 

“Yuu and I were walking home from practice and suddenly he turns to me and he says, ‘Azumane-san is really cool, you know. When he’s around, I just feel so _gwaaa_.’ 

“He talked to me a lot about how he wished you’d just let him in instead of going around and around in your head. He wanted you to see yourself how he saw you -- how we all saw you. I’d catch him sometimes looking at you if you were walking with Suga-san and Daichi-san, and he got this look, in his eyes, you know, like… Like, he wanted so badly to tell you how he felt. He wanted to get closer to you. And, for my part, I guess, I wanted Yuu to be happy. That’s all I ever hope for, really, is for everyone… everyone in my life to be happy and healthy and doing okay, you know?” Tanaka looked up and smiled warmly; Asahi felt a blush creep into his face.

This might not have been the kind of love he’d been waiting for all his life, but he was finding more and more that that didn’t mean anything at all.

\----

Suga looks at Asahi as if he is trying to make up his mind about whether or not to punch hum. The expression doesn’t suit his normally friendly face, but Asahi has seen it before. He takes a deep breath, lets it out slowly, and puts his fingers to his temples.

“Suga, it’s not like that….” Asahi begins, preparing to come to his own defense.

This is what it is like: 

It is three sets of keys made for every apartment. It was more mugs in Asahi’s cupboard. It is Asahi stopping by Tanaka’s job to drop off leftover pastries from the coffee shop. It is Noya coming home from a long day at university and wedging himself between Asahi and Tanaka as they all slept off their cares. It is Tanaka going with them to the movies so they could entwine fingers and steal kisses in the dark. It is Tanaka coming over when Asahi could feel his world spinning out of control. It is Asahi quizzing Noya off of flashcards while Tanaka picked a color to paint Asahi’s nails, cradling Asahi’s free hand in his own as he worked.

“It’s… I know it’s not… maybe the… you know, the most common thing, and, like, well… If-if I’d heard something like this about someone I’d be upset too, but--”

Asahi pauses, looking at his reflection in the cup of tea that had arrived while he was telling the story. This is not so different from that time, is it? He smiles a little to himself.

“But, we’re all happy. I promise you that. And if we’re not, we’ll sort it out, the three of us.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Title from "Crystal Days" by Echo & The Bunnymen


End file.
